Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
