I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
