Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
