You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
