I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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