she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
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