remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
