In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
