My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
