He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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