Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
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