I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
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