I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
