I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
did you just send me my own nude
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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