i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Are my feet made of real feet?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
