i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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