Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
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