It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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