how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
