You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
