Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
