The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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