walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
