About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
