I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
