i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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