she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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