All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
