i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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