can we get nightvision for the apartment?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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