every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
