Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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