Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
