I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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