It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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