I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Randomize