guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
