Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
