If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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