Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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