Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
