I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
