Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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