hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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