No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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