I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
