I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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