Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
