my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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