non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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