We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
