i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
