Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
