drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
