Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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